Goodbye...

Hey everyone!
Sorry for the not updating my blog much... A lot of things have been going on.

If you follow me on Instagram you might have seen that I posted about my dog passing away on May 21st. This is going to be a long and sad post, so you can just skip reading and just watch the video.

I usually refrain from writing about my personal feelings & life, but I feel like I can share this with everyone.

On Monday, May 12, Julie was not acting like herself. She was lethargic, drinking a lot of water, and not eating much then didn't eat at all that day. I called my vet to ask if I should take her in right then or wait til the next day. They said to watch her and if she doesn't eat the next morning, to bring her in. The next day, she started eating and went back to her old self. I had a bad feeling still so I called the vet on Tuesday to schedule an appointment for Friday, May 16th.

Day of the appointment, she had her regular check-up and I asked the vet to do a blood test to check for any complications, since she is 9 yrs old which is getting to be old. I was sure she did not have heartworms, but my biggest fears were diabetes & kidney failure. I took her home after that and nervously waited for a call to hear the results. 

On Saturday night, she started eating less and becoming lethargic. The vet had told me at her check-up that it might be a fluke, since she is old & old dogs tend to act this way. But being the worry wort I am, I was really nervous & scared. That night I dreamed. I dreamed that I gave birth to a little girl, but out of nowhere she was taken away from me. I woke up and knew that something bad was going to happen. Sunday I stayed, all day right by her side to monitor her and care for her.

On Monday, I noticed her belly seemed bloated, so I took her in early in the morning to find out what was going on. The vet told me there were some bacteria found in her urine, but they didn't know what kind it was. I asked to get her tested. I also told the vet about her belly. She had lost 3lbs on the weekend. I knew that bad news were coming. The vet asked to keep her overnight and to do x-rays, ultra-sounds. He also said he was going to give her antibiotics and pain meds. I thought okay, that's good, but it also bothered me. Made me even more nervous & scared.

About 3pm, the vet called me, but due to I was in class doing my final, I was unable to pick up. He left a message saying he sees some bad things going on in the x-rays & ultrasounds. After hearing that, my heart automatically sank. Right when I got into the car, tears just started to fall down my face. I was reluctant to call the vet, so I waited til I got home. I called right when I got home with my dad by my side. The vet said that Julie had a really bad infection in her uterus and that it might also be in her liver because he saw something in there. At that point I already knew that the dream I had was coming true. A nightmare... I reluctantly asked the vet how bad was it. He said that her uterus was full... of just pus and bacteria. Surgery might help, but it's not certain even with antibiotics. He said that she might begin to vomit blood and stuff after surgery, due to risks of the surgery & antibiotics. She would still be in a lot of pain. At that point my heart shattered to hear him speak. My mind went black and I couldn't even move. What can I do? What am I supposed to do?

My dad talked to me & told me the best thing to do is let her go... I couldn't wrap my mind about it, & the vet said if I decide on surgery, it will be this night. After a couple of hours, I called him back and told him that it's best we let her go and end all her suffering. As I said those words and hung up, I couldn't hold back my tears & frustration any longer. I can tell that my dad wanted to cheery me up, but at the same time he was falling apart.

(Flashback to how Julie came into my life)

I wanted a dog, but my parents didn't. So I begged and pried my way to making my parents get me one. Late 2003 my grandfather passed away and it left me depressed and filled with anxiety. In 2004, my mother was put in the hospital from a tumor in her uterus and they had to remove it. While she was in the hospital I told her I was lonely and I really want a friend, so she said that her friend had this puppy. The day my mom was released from the hospital, my dad & I took her home to rest & we rushed to go see this puppy.

Right when I saw her, I knew she was going to be mine. Something about this little fur ball caught my heart. I took her home that day & since then she has been with me. She was only a couple weeks to a month old & had to be bottled fed. My mom's friend had found her in a box by the dumpster so she took it in. Since then she has been my little baby.

My dad & mom told the vet that on Wednesday, May 21st would be the day she sleeps forever. I thought that maybe that night she might get better... and I might get to take her home. Wednesday came and that morning my dad, my chihuahua Genie (Julie's lil sister), & I headed to the vet. Our hearts torn, our legs weak and heavy, our minds gone. As I opened the door, the receptionist said that they had a room ready and I can go in and wait. The 5min wait felt like an hour. Reality still did not hit me that I was here to say goodbye. As they brought her in the room, the tech said she was sorry, I fell apart. Julie wagged her tail so happily that I had hope that she was fine...

We were given time to say goodbyes... I couldn't. All I could do was hug her and cry. For the the first time in my life, my dad broke down in tears. A man who never once showed anyone his emotions was broken down. After our time was up, I couldn't move. I just wanted to hold her. Her vet came in and showed up the x-rays & results... things were at its worst. All her uterus was taken over... I couldn't take it. I told him that it's okay if I don't know the rest. After that he spoke with my dad. Her liver was even more serious than her uterus... No hope was left of keeping my baby...

The vet asked if I wanted to be by her side during the process, but my legs were weak and my heart was broken... I couldn't. I wished I did though. Julie's last scene of me, my dad, & her lil sister of Julie, was of us watching her get taken away. The thought of it kills me as I was unable to be by her side...

I took her body home. I dug her a grave. A grave that took about 5 hours... i couldn't hold back, nor my dad. My mom too, she never shows her tears to anyone, had fallen apart. Genie, didn't understand her sister was gone. She sniffed and nudged Julie... which made it harder for me. We took Julie's blankie and laid it down, then her body. She looked so peaceful... no more pain.  I also put all her belongings in the grave with her. My mom & dad couldn't take it so she went back in the house. I buried her myself... I couldn't help but start burying her using my hands. I wanted to take her out... I didn't want to let her go.

I set flowers on her grave and gave her my blessings. Asked God to have her be reborn new & to leave her illnesses behind.

Truthfully, I still can't help but cry. Out of all the animals I've had, Julie & Genie were the 2 that always pulled on my heartstrings. I have to see them everyday. If I'm gone I always Facetime or videocall to see them & talk to them. I know that letting her go was the best choice, but I can't help but be frustrated at the fact that I couldn't help her... She's in a better place now.

I am happy I was able to have her by my side for these past 9 years for she picked me up when I had fallen. She was my happiness and forever she will stay. Though it's hard, I'll always remind myself of all the great times we had. I will take care of her little sister for her in her place.

Thank you for reading my post.

Sorry if it's super long. It's just so I can vent & let things out.

It'll be a while til I get back to blogging, but I promise I won't leave this blog.

Good luck on Finals!